I've had chronic insomnia since the age of twelve or thirteen. It peaked around the age of sixteen and slowly but surely turned itself into the monster that it is today. I can never, ever get more than five hours of sleep a night, and that's probably pushing it. Regardless of the time that I go to bed, I cannot sleep for more than a child's fistful of hours without waking up, feeling just as tired if not more tired than I was before I went to bed.

I have tried everything from drinking teas, lighting incense, listening to relaxing music, taking a shower before bed, to sleep aids like melatonin, nighttime cold medicine, and good old fashioned ethanol. None of the above work, and while moderate quantities of ethanol are (obviously) rather enjoyable, it does little for me on my lonesome in a dark and non-social environment. It also doesn't really put me to sleep.

My work has been really suffering lately. I have little ambition to go out and shoot (a familiar story, of course) and when I do go out and shoot, I have difficulty bringing myself to go through what I've shot, or get it processed in a timely fashion. My listlessness and seeming apathy are undoubtedly a result of my lack of sufficient rest. I have the desire to work, and to produce work, but somewhere between desire and drive I get lost. How can I push myself when I lack the energy to even walk?

[I don't even want to return to talking about how my computer issues are keeping me from producing, at the moment. That's really a money issue and I don't want to elaborate upon it atm. ]

I have a shoot in seven hours and I certainly won't be well-rested or clear-headed for it. It for a magazine cover and inside story, so I have to produce something of proper quality with a good look to it. I've been up since 4:£0 after going to bed at around midnight, though, and I've spent the past couple of hours second-guessing my ability to produce quality work, especially when it comes to portraits. I possess the ability, I know how to like, and I've had a whole bunch of my work published and printed in the past, so why am I doubting myself? I suppose it is because my attitude lately has been pretty brutal-- I'm certainly not depressed, but I think that my lack of sleep and the current state of the market have been affecting my sense of self-worth.

On a brighter note, I had the pleasure of meeting esteemed documentary photographer George Zimbel ([link]) and saw some of his prints in person. It was a really great experience for me, and he gave some great advice on photography and freelancing in general. If he's been doing it since he was fourteen, and is eighty now, then there is some hope for me yet. I just have to stick to my guns and not let anyone walk all over me. I've done far too many people favors and I've worked for very little and in some cases, for no pay. While the experience is obviously worthwhile every time, I am fully aware that people are going to take advantage of me if I do not put a value on my time and work. As George told me, "you have to stick to you ethics, and if you burn a couple of bridges while doing so, do it. I find that you have to burn at least one bridge or so every couple of years to keep yourself in the game".

On an only vaguely related note, I really need to revamp my website. I can't upload content at the moment, and I dislike the structure. It doesn't look professional to me or others at all, and its high time I updated both its structure and its content.